Tugboat Whispers...

Conflicted and deeply aware of pain, I cannot believe the overwhelming paradox of my emotions. Yesterday I had to fight for my ability to live. The first part of the day I was exhausted from a fitful night sleep battling anxiety. I felt the familiar tug in my spirit to sit and wallow. This deep yearning to hide my confusion even from myself, I slip into a world of distraction, rather disassociation. Retreating into a world of my mind's own construct leads to compulsive behaviors where my body lives in a state of chaos. In the midst of the gale force of emotional winds, the powerful tugboat whisper of the Holy Spirit slowly pulls my ship towards the shore. 

My hands are shaking as I turn off my computer, drink water and set to do the outside work I had scheduled to accomplish. The clean air, rays of sunshine and slight breeze tousles aromas of spring flowers through the air. My senses relax, melting into the beauty around me. Working for hours in utter peace, a deep sense of safety overcomes me. 

I being to think about the sharp contrast of my day, one of misery and surely impending doom, and one of complete and utter living! I felt more safe where I could be easily seen. Yet in my home, a word intended as synonymous with security, love, and safety, I was terrified. 

This is a piece of pain from my own story, where outside I was always safe. Contrarily, it was behind closed doors in my own house where the atrocities of pain where perpetrated against me. 

Home is where your heart is, and my heart is melded to the creativity of nature, with my husband, and (slowly but surely) I am beginning to love my own body. Once this heart loves its fleshy home, it will be comfortable everywhere my feet wander. 




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