The Choice Is Yours

I have been thrown for a loop! Emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenged. Have you ever experienced those times in your life where Murphy's law is kicking your butt? I make light of this, because laughter smoothes the rough edges of pain. I am deeply mourning the loss of a relationship. The cravings monster lives off of grief, pulling at my mind to find solace in the most temporal solution: food. I will say that because I am on the actual 7 day cleanse of my 30 days, I have not had any problems with actually giving into my deep cravings, simply due to a mental assent, a commitment to my own health, that I will not compromise. The most shocking, startling news came to my doorstep when I had several friends over at my home. I count this as a blessing for I felt instantly surrounded by others, even though loneliness struck my core immediately upon seeing the face of the one person I was holding out hope for in my entire past. Without the community around me, I would have...

Conflicted and deeply aware of pain, I cannot believe the overwhelming paradox of my emotions. Yesterday I had to fight for my ability to live. The first part of the day I was exhausted from a fitful night sleep battling anxiety. I felt the familiar tug in my spirit to sit and wallow. This deep yearning to hide my confusion even from myself, I slip into a world of distraction, rather disassociation. Retreating into a world of my mind's own construct leads to compulsive behaviors where my body lives in a state of chaos. In the midst of the gale force of emotional winds, the powerful tugboat whisper of the Holy Spirit slowly pulls my ship towards the shore.  My hands are shaking as I turn off my computer, drink water and set to do the outside work I had scheduled to accomplish. The clean air, rays of sunshine and slight breeze tousles aromas of spring flowers through the air. My senses relax, melting into the beauty around me. Working for hours in utter peace, a deep sense of safe...

"Time heals all wounds." I believe this phrase has been flung as a way to feel better about the advice that you offer others in need. Our own guilt is salved as their grief is checked off the list against our own agendas. Time only heals when the person is actively pursuing healing. Time does not hold a position of authority over the grief process. Time is relative to the person experiencing the loss: a death of a dream, a hope, a person, can effect a persons entire ability to function. What does heal all wounds, if not time? There is no quick or easy answer, for to truly heal all wounds one must address the needs that each wound needs to heal. Just as a doctor prescribes differing ointments for a skin rash versus a skin burn, just because the pains are similar does not mean the healing method will be exactly the same. The wounds of trauma tend to remain in a very present functioning as if the victim re-experiences the horror of the event over again and again in a visco...

Timing includes waiting, but even in waiting there can be action. Action of the heart, mind, and of the body. I simply can't sustain a constant state of complete awareness, for my self-analyzing morphs into an overwhelming state of confusion, a pile a wasted worry dust I had mistaken for magical pills of happiness from the fairies. How our fantastical thinking runs in and out of our practical realities. Weight, health, nutrition, self-perception, self-worth, and our value are intrinsically based in science and faith, yet we tend to view all of it as a kind of mysticism. How can we figure this out? There is no magic pill available to fix the problems our days lay before us, or to fix the bad habits that we have formed. Within complex self-hatred and self-serving egotistical existences, people long to truly love and be loved. People honor the sacrifices of others, yet complain when reality offers a way to become sacrificial. In sacrifice hearts free other hearts to love. Today,...

Overwhelming headaches have been my battle from about 2 pm yesterday through tonight. Thus, adding more proof that my body was/is addicted to caffeine. This is a very good motivator to continue on this challenge. I am interested in two things from my two days of self- reflective analysis, temptations, and musings. One being why so many women feel the need to explain their own journey to me mostly mixed with the "should have" shame monster eating away at their varying levels of self-confidence. Is there anything I do or say to join them in killing their own demons of insecurities? I am trying to kill mine, one hour at a time, one carrot instead of chip at a time, one choice to forgive myself and others at a time, and one decision at a time. Secondly, why are decisions to change so emotional? There is an emotional connection within our culture to food from the time we are young, yet I am unsure if the relationship is proper. Humanity removed itself so far from the processes...

The day is here. This day which I set in my mind several weeks ago to start a new fight. A fight with my own mind, body, and soul. I have been working towards this day for several years now. It has been about five years since the slimy inner shame crept up to my throat, seeping through my eyes reflexively causing my hands to cover my face. I chose to become somewhat of a hermit, more like a caged animal in a small one bedroom apartment full of food. I decided my body needed to change. I was too attractive and I needed to hide. A victim mindset deeply rooted into my being from a young age. But I have to fight now. THIS IS MY BODY. My body belongs to me. Unlike the lies that I have been taught, that my body belongs to the men around me. Time for my beauty to be shown, not only on the inside, but also on the outside. Don't worry I am not saying that I will be scandalous, for I know that the physical is a place of deep temptation for my bothers from other mothers. So I sta...